2000
BIG BALD AWARDS
2020
CURB
"OY/YO" ©2020 Deborah Kass / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York
CURB
In FRANCE, the show is called, "LARRY ET SON NOMBRIL"
A 1-person committee: STEVE MATOREN (B.I.T.S.) nominated, debated and selected all categories and entrants.
So, now that you know who to complain to...here are "The Big Bald Awards" of 2020.
Category/Nominees
BEST CATCHPHRASE
“Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.” (LARRY)
“Fat Fuck!” (SUSIE)
“Eh.” (LARRY)
“Big Bowl of wrong.” (JEFF)
“What the fuck?!” (JEFF)
“That’s fucked up.” (LEON)
BEST LARRY
'Angry' Larry
'Happy' Larry
'Frustrated' Larry
'Sad' Larry
'Scheming' Larry
BEST LD "ACTION"
1. Silently staring into your eyes as he examines your truth-telling
2. Raising finger up, to question what you just said
3. Both hands out (downward) expressing he did nothing wrong
4. Both hands up expressing sarcasm
5. Head tilt, rolling of the eyes and mouth opening
le vainqueur
EH - LD
BEST CATCHPHRASE
STEVE: Nothing exemplifies Curb's
spirit more than Larry saying, "Eh."
I laugh just thinking about it.
'HAPPY' LARRY
BEST LARRY
STEVE: Call me crazy, but I think the Best Larry is actually 'Happy' Larry because it's so rare and infrequent.
And that's what makes it funniest. Plus, let's be honest- Larry's got a great laugh.
FINGER RAISE
BEST LD "ACTION"
STEVE: You could easily make a case for all five nominees, but I'm going with #2. When Larry raises his finger and pauses before speaking,
you know something brilliant is about to come out of that mouth.
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BIG BALD AWARDS
2020
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BEST LARRY LINE
1. “The penis doesn’t care about race, creed, color.
The penis wants to get to his homeland. It wants to go home.”
2. “Huchhh” (the sound Larry made when a pubic hair got stuck
in his throat)
3. “How’s her pussy?”
4. “All right you little prick, OK.. I got some gratitude sex coming my way and you’re not going to ruin it! You got it? Now get under those covers. You’re gonna go to sleep and I’m gonna’ have sex with your mother.”
5. “A little too saucy.”
6. “I appreciate naked women.”
7. “I will be the Edmund Hillary of shitting where I eat.”
8. “Men will look at tits over anything. You could be in the last inning of the World Series, a 3-2 score, bases loaded, somebody change the channel and there’s tits on, they will not
go back to the World Series.”
BEST NICKNAME
Wandering Bear
Mocha Joe
Long Ball Larry
Social Assassin
Schmohawk
Bald Asshole
Porno Gil
BEST PIECE OF ART
Susie Portrait
Lewis’s Self-Portrait
Larry’s Doodle
Larry’s Caricature Head Cut-Out
from “Mockumentary” Special
PENIS GOIN' HOME
BEST LARRY LINE
STEVE: Did you notice that 7 of my 8 greatest Larry lines all have to do with women and sex?
In a tight one, #1's the winner-
LD explaining to Funkman why he had
sex with a Jew-hating Palestinian woman
is gold, Jerry. Gold!
WANDERING BEAR
BEST NICKNAME
STEVE: This is very much a who you ask. While Long Ball Larry is perhaps the funniest- the thought of Larry talking to Wandering Bear about Cheryl's vagina puts the Native gardener over the top. FUCK MOCHA JOE!
SUSIE PORTRAIT
BEST PIECE OF ART
STEVE: Is there any question on this one?
BEST "LOOK"
Susie as ‘Abraham Lincoln’
Larry in ‘Chet’s Shirt’
Larry in Scorsese film jacket
Larry in Cabo
Larry in Revolutionary War uniform
Jeff as a ‘Cowboy’
‘Fatwa Larry’ disguise
Larry in his regular clothes
Larry and Leon in matching Yankees jerseys
Leon Lampin’
BEST SPITE STORE
Latte Larry's
Sean’s Exotic Birds
Jonah’s Deli
Mila’s Jewelers
BEST SPITE STORE OWNER
Larry David
Sean Penn
Jonah Hill
Mila Kunis
LARRY IN CABO
BEST "LOOK"
STEVE: Yes, we all love LD in his regular, boring clothes- but c'mon that outfit he put together in Cabo? That was fire!
Jeff and Susie in their respective get-ups were neither charming nor dashing.
LATTE LARRY'S
BEST SPITE STORE
STEVE: Gotta go with the OG!
Not to mention all the innovations like
'No Defecating' and 'No Wobbly Tables.'
SEAN PENN
BEST SPITE STORE OWNER
STEVE: This is like when 'Best Director' does not win 'Best Picture.' Larry's obsession with hand sanitizer ended up being the reason the store burnt down! Great Store. Bad Owner.
Sean Penn's handle on both his birds and his customers earns him the title.
2020
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BIG BALD AWARDS
BEST ORIGINAL EXPRESSION
“Do you respect wood?” (LD)
“Are you my Caucasian?” (LD)
“Re-tapping that ass” (LEON)
“I brings the ruckus to the ladies.” (LEON)
“Big Johnson Community” (LEON)
“Lampin” (LEON)
“Magical Vagina” (LARRY and CARL)
“Big Vagina” (LARRY and JEFF)
“E-jac-u-late” (LARRY and LEON)
“Foisted” (LEON)
“Blank, from hell” (LEWIS)
“Jiya” (LARRY)
“Pu-pu pa dupe.” (LEON)
“Vehicular fellatio” (LORETTA)
BEST LEWIS GIRLFRIEND
Sofia Milos
Tia Carrerre (“Cha-Cha”)
Stella the Stripper
Sasha Alexander
Andrea Savage
BEST SHIKSA (FOR LARRY)
1. SHARA in ‘Palestinian Chicken’
2. LORETTA BLACK (Vivica A. Fox)
3. “Becky” (KAITLIN OLSON aka CHERYL’S SISTER)
4. ELIZABETH BANKS (as herself)
5. LUCY LAWLESS (as herself)
6. HEIDI “the Hostess”
MAGICAL VAGINA
BEST ORIGINAL EXPRESSION
STEVE: This may just be the toughest category of the entire awards show.
Since I personally find the sex stuff to be the most prolific moments of the show,
the best OG expression needs to come
from this area. And so, with that in mind, nothing felt fresher or more original than "Magical Vagina." Long live its super powers.
SOFIA MILOS
BEST LEWIS GIRLFRIEND
STEVE: Richard Lewis is the George Costanza of Curb. The guy keeps getting all these hot girlfriends and you have to wonder, "How?" Sofia Milos was on season one and Lewis's "first" Curb girl. She also happens to be the first one to tell Larry to fuck off. She's exactly the right kind of sexy dirty worthy of this award.
ANNE BEDIAN aka SHARA
BEST SHIKSA (FOR LARRY)
STEVE: For those unaware of the term "shiksa," it's Yiddish for gentile (non-Jewish woman). Cheryl is a classic shiksa, but not eligible for this award because this is technically for Larry's best girlfriend- none of whom appeared to be Jewish.
As for the award winner- I seriously considered honoring all the nominees. What a shiksa harem they would make!
Personally, my favorite is Loretta- but in terms of a fair and balanced analysis,
Shara, the Palestinian, has to be the Queen of Larry's Harem.
BEST SEINFELD GUEST STAR
1. JERRY SEINFELD
2. JASON ALEXANDER
3. JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
4. MICHAEL RICHARDS
BEST TED LINE
“Take your freaky friend and your freak book
and get the hell out.”
“One tastes good. And one sucks!”
“Good luck with the Fatwa.”
“What a day, huh? Heaven, just heaven.”
BEST LEWIS LINE
“LD, goldfish would commit suicide in this water.”
“He probably read Gerbil magazine and you’re on the cover.”
“You’re like a Jew squirrel.”
“You looked at her mole with a goddamn telescope like Galileo jerking off from 40 feet away.”
“You look like Einstein’s gardner for Christ’s sake.”
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2020
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
BEST SEINFELD GUEST
STEVE: Of the big four, my favorite character on Seinfeld is George- but in both real life and on Curb, the clear choice is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She had two incredible moments on Curb that had nothing to do with Seinfeld.
It was when she got excited about being able to curse on HBO and the wood stain on the coffee table. And fuck Jason for not going to Larry's office for the meeting! Love you Jules.
ONE TASTES GOOD
BEST TED LINE
STEVE: Let's be honest. Ted is seldom funny on Curb. Ted Danson clearly needs written lines to be funny-
not that there's anything wrong with that! As an actor, he's hilarious! So, it makes sense that his best line from the show is an understated one- but in context, was magnificent. I'm talking about the scene where Larry was trying to convince Ted to swap sandwiches with him. And when Ted refused and Larry asked why, he came up with gold, "One tastes good. And one sucks!"
GERBIL MAGAZINE
BEST LEWIS LINE
STEVE: Richard Lewis insulting Larry is one of the greatest gifts of Curb. And with that said, it's impossible for me to pick just one. So, I'm deferring to Curb's sound man for all 100 episodes, Earl Martin, for this winner. Earl says he likes the "Gerbil magazine" one best cause he actually suggested it to Richard on set. There you go-
a great line can come from anyone.
If it's funny, it's in.
That's how this show rolls. It does make you wonder if Lewis ever comes up with his own lines. After all, he is old and starting to look like he should be hosting, 'Tales from the Crypt.'
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BIG BALD AWARDS
BEST FUNKMEISTER LINE
“When did you cum, before or after she said she was going to fuck the Jew out of you?”
“It’s like I took a straw and put it in a frog’s ass.”
“Have you finally set aside a day when you’re going to look at her face?”
“Do you crap standing up?”
BEST SUSIE LINE
“You fat fuck and you four-eyed piece of shit...get the head!”
“Fuck you! You carwash cunt. I had a dental appointment!”
“He’s her significant other and you’re her significant nothing.”
“You marched over there. You got a blowjob and then you gave the house away.”
"I'm done. I'm over it. I'm turned off. Leave! Get the fuck out. OK? Freak of fucking nature doesn't want a house tour."
BEST CHERYL LINE
“I didn’t say deviant.”
“I think when I’m with you, I feel better about myself.”
“When women broke up with you, did you light up like that?”
“Did you have sex with my sister, Becky?”
“It’s actually not funny Jon Hamm.”
“Why don’t we go home and I’ll make it worth your while.”
“Oh my God, you are obsessed with tits.”
HAVE YOU FINALLY
BEST FUNKMAN LINE
STEVE: RIP Bob Einstein aka Marty Funkhouser aka Funkman. A comic genius who delivers his lines with a precision and seriousness like only he can. When he asked Lewis about finally looking up at his girlfriend's face, rather than her magnificent tits- that was pure gold.
YOU FAT FUCK...
BEST SUSIE LINE
STEVE: Anytime Susie starts with calling Jeff a fat-fuck gets me rolling. Her yelling at Jeff is always funny, but yelling at Jeff AND Larry to get the doll head- priceless.
SEX WITH BECKY
BEST CHERYL LINE
STEVE: Cheryl's a tough one because her best lines often revolve around being upset with Larry. Her shock and awe in asking Larry about having sex with her sister, Becky, was peak Cheryl. It's like her disdain for Larry had been building for 20 years just to deliver that line. She nailed it.
BEST LEON LINE
“You got long balls, Larry. You’re Long-Ball Larry.”
“You step inside that ass, open it up and spray paint,
Larry was here!”
“I once shot a porno constipated.”
“I’m living large! Drinking champagne out of
a motherfucking croissant!”
“If I lived in the 40’s and some girl said, ‘Poo-poo pa-dupe,’ I know I’m tapping that ass.”
BEST JEFF LINE
“I would fuck her with a Bush mask on!”
“The only reason you’re going out with her is because
of her ample bosom.”
“These big vagina ladies are getting away with murder.”
“Fuck you Mickey. Cocksucker. Go Fuck yourself!”
(aided by Susie’s rhythmic shrugs )
“Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!”
“Who stops a whack-off?!”
Jeff reciting the ingredients of Larry’s sandwich, one at
a time to Ted.
“HBO pays for the porn.”
BEST RANDOM EPISODE
1. The Freak Book
2. Anonymous Donor
3. The Judy Doll
4. The Baptism
5. Krazee-Eyez Killa’
6. Artificial Fruit
7. The Ski Lift
LONG-BALL LARRY
BEST LEON LINE
STEVE: Really, everything that comes out of Leon's mouth could be the best line he's ever said. Nothing he says is not funny. Sadly, there can only be one winner and "Long-Ball Larry" takes the cake.
HBO PAYS
BEST JEFF LINE
STEVE: There's two types of Jeff.
There's calm Jeff and then there's "worked-up" Jeff. The man only knows two emotions- calm and rage. Both are very funny. But, in terms of a classic Curb line, "HBO pays for the porn" is on the all-time list.
THE JUDY DOLL
BEST RANDOM EPISODE
STEVE: By "random episode" I mean one that had nothing to do with that season's main storyline. I'm truly torn here.
For pure laughs all the way through, in a close one, "The Judy Doll" edges "KEK." Sorry KEK- you still my boy, even though you got beat by a doll.
CURB
2020
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BIG BALD AWARDS
BEST MALE GUEST STAR WHO PLAYED A CHARACTER OTHER THAN THEMSELVES
Chris Williams as "Krazee-Eyez Killa" (Season 3)
Alex Gonzalez as “CABO's Carnival Weight Guesser” (Season 10)
Klone Young as the “Acupuncturist” (Season 2)
Fred Armisen as “Handicapped Man” (Season 10)
Nick Kroll as “Restaurant Host” (Season 10)
BEST FEMALE GUEST STAR WHO PLAYED A CHARACTER OTHER THAN THEMSELVES
Kym Whitley as ‘The Carpool Lane Hooker’
Isla Fisher as ‘The Professional Crier’
Gina Gershon as ‘The Hasidic Dry Cleaner’
Vivica A. Fox as ‘Loretta Black’
Kaitlin Olson as Cheryl’s sister, ‘Becky’
Elizabeth Perkins as ‘Marilyn’
BEST MALE GUEST STAR WHO PLAYED THEMSELVES
(OTHER THAN SEINFELD CAST)
Jon Hamm
Shaq
Michael J. Fox
Schwimmer
Ben Stiller
Mel Brooks
Clive Owen
Lin Manuel-Miranda
McEnroe
CHRIS WILLIAMS
BEST MALE GUEST STAR
STEVE: In the entire series, no original guest star character has been funnier than "Krazee-Eyez Killa." That rap, that swagger, that cool were so money.
Vanessa's kid brother got some talent.
GINA GERSON
BEST FEMALE GUEST STAR
STEVE: A Hasidic dry cleaner is funny.
A Hasidic dry cleaner having sex with Larry is very funny. A Hasidic dry cleaner played by Gina Gershon? Hysterically funny and SEXY AF! Sh'wing.
JON HAMM
BEST MALE GUEST STAR PLAYING THEMSELVES
STEVE: IMO this one's no contest.
Thank you Jon Hamm for your brilliance. You nailed Larry in the most "Larry" way possible.
BEST FEMALE GUEST STAR WHO PLAYED THEMSELVES
(OTHER THAN SEINFELD CAST)
Elizabeth Banks
Rosie
Lucy Lawless
Elisabeth Shue
Anne Bancroft
BEST RE-OCCURRING GUEST STAR WHO PLAYED THEMSELVES
(Must’ve appeared in multiple seasons AND
in at least 3 episodes)
Shelley Berman (as Larry’s Dad)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as herself)
Wanda Sykes (as herself)
Mocha Joe (as Mocha Joe) (Saverio Guerra)
Jason Alexander (as himself)
Richard Kind (as “Andy,” Larry’s cousin)
Ashly Holloway (as ‘Sammy Greene’)
Mary Sternbergen (as herself)
BEST LINE FROM A GUEST STAR
“Larry, you want to fuck or talk about sheets?”
(Gina Gershon - THE HASIDIC DRY CLEANER)
“I’m a Survivor!”
(Holocaust Survivor v Survivor contestant)
“Don’t touch me motherfucker.” (KEK)
“If you want shrimp, take your $475 million and go buy
a fucking shrimp boat. " (Larry Wasserman, HBO EXEC)
“I’m going to fuck the Jew out of you.” (SHARA)
“This chronic is the shiz-knick- that sounds almost
Yiddish to me, Chronic ebonic” (LARRY’S DAD)
“If I stopped at 12 pumps I would tell my wife. I would go home that night and say, ‘Honey, I was getting a massage and I took 12 pumps and I stopped because I love you.’” (MIKE/Brian Benben)
“I will pull a titty out in this thing.”
(CARPOOL LANE HOOKER/Kym Whitley)
ELIZABETH BANKS
BEST FEMALE GUEST STAR PLAYING THEMSELVES
STEVE: Elizabeth Banks is usually silly and sexy. She lived up to her billing on Curb. Not to mention she was "Fatwa" pussy.
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
BEST RE-OCCURRING
STEVE: First of all. Let's get something out of the way right now, FUCK MOCHA JOE! And while Shelley Berman is a legend and was legendary playing LD's Dad... C'mon- there's a reason Julia won
the 'Mark Twain Prize.'
GINA GERSHON
BEST LINE FROM
A GUEST STAR
STEVE: This may just be my favorite category. There's a whole lotta fucking going on here. In the end, I'm going with double G- not only was her line fantastico, but the manner in which she delivered it was simply sensational. Bravo my Hasidic Sex Queen. Bravo.
BEST IDEA
‘Got to Go’ Business (Season 10)
No defecating toilets (Season 10)
Mug Warmer (Season 10)
Bell for diners in Restaurant (Season 3)
MAGA Hat (Season 10)
Relationship NDA (Season 9)
The Ugly Section (Season 10)
WORST IDEA
Car Periscope
Artificial Fruit
Giving Loretta terminal cancer
BEST SONG
“Gefilte Fish Blues” by Larry David and The Hipsters
“I’m Comin’ To Get You” by KEK
“Ji-ya, Ji-ya, Ji-ya - I Made It Out Of Clay”
by Larry David
“Frolic” (Curb Theme Music) by Lucianio Michelli
“Leon and Max” by LD & David Schwimmer in
‘The Producers’
“I Do Not Like This Man” from ‘Fatwa! The Musical’
by Lin Manuel Miranda
“Lucky Day” karaoke by Mel Brooks
BELL FOR DINERS
BEST IDEA
STEVE: Season 10 was a bonanza of great ideas- so naturally, I'm going to award the best idea to something from Season 3. A bell for every diner is genius. And the perfect kind of chaos befitting of Curb.
LORETTA'S CANCER
WORST IDEA
STEVE: To be honest, there's not a lot of bad ideas from Larry . However, giving Loretta (Vivica A. Fox) terminal cancer just wasn't right. Like Vivica would go on to say in an interview, "Where's the love LD? I put LD on the map."
FROLIC
BEST SONG
STEVE: Of course it's "the Curb theme song! "Frolic" by Italian composer Luciano Michelli was a happy accident Larry stumbled upon. But I really would like to have seen "Gefilte Fish Blues" performed by 'Larry and the Hipsters' back in the day.
BEST RANDOM MOMENT
Larry pees on the Jesus painting
Larry “stops” a mid-wack happy ending.
Larry wears “I steal forks from restaurants” sign
Spongecakes save Susie
Larry breaks selfie-stick and pushes over scooters
Larry grabs fatty “love handles” to stop from falling
Larry kills a bird on the golf course
Larry sun-burned with smiley face
Loretta tells Susie off and slams door on her
Larry eating 'The Penis Cake' and offering a taste to Loretta
Larry gets stoned and yells at himself in the mirror
BEST CURBISM
Yo-Yo-ing Chat and Cut
Stop and Chat Side-Sitter
Spite Store Accidental Text (On Purpose)
Slunk-Out The Double Goodbye
Premature “Honey” Pig Parker
The Big Goodbye
BEST TYPE OF CURB SEX
Gratitude Sex Fatwa Sex
Sympathy Sex Make-up Sex
Road Head “Juicing”
Anniversary Present Sex Hotel Sex
Sex Doll Prostitute
Sex with the Ex, aka ‘Re-tapping that ass’
LORETTA TELLS SUSIE OFF
BEST RANDOM MOMENT
STEVE: I'm not sure there's a single moment in Curb history that tops Loretta telling Susie off and closing the door on her with Larry just smiling and waving behind her. The late-night Penis Cake scene between Larry and Loretta was pretty hysterical too. Close, but no penis.
YO-YO-ING
BEST CURBISM
STEVE: I'm going with "Yo-yo-ing" and it has nothing to do with the original art for sale in the SHOP.
ANNIVERSARY PRESENT
BEST SEX
STEVE: This award has nothing to do with personal preference or the actual sex act- and everything to do with how it played on the show. The "Anniversary Present Sex" gave material for an entire season- doesn't get much better than that! FATWA SEX! WAS A CLOSE 2ND!
CURB
CURB
BEST ROMANTIC MOMENT RUINED
Cheryl going down on Larry and getting a mouth full of baby powder, sending her to the hospital.
Funkman hearing Larry getting the Jew fucked out of him and yelling at him afterward.
Jeff crashing the car while Susie’s giving him a blowjob.
Larry’s girlfriend finding he’s been juicing prior to
the two of them entering the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Larry noticing the Bush photo.
Larry bringing up the Jets right before he’s about to get lucky with magical vagina.
Jon Hamm acting like Larry in front of Cheryl.
THE BAR-MITZVAH AWARD
Appeared in exactly 13 episodes
THE CENTURION AWARD
Credited in all 100 episodes
MAGICAL VAGINA
BEST ROMANTIC MOMENT RUINED
STEVE: Blowing it with a "magical vagina" has got be the all-time Munson. Even for Larry this was a new low. Schmuck.
SHELLEY BERMAN
BAR-MITZVAH BOY
STEVE: Larry's Dad was more than a man. He was a mensch and a funny stoner too!
EARL MARTIN
THE CENTURION
STEVE: Curb's sound man Earl Martin is the only crew member credited on IMDB for all 100 episodes. And he's bald!
Mazel Tov Earl- Keep getting us great sound on all those takes!
BEST EXCHANGE
1.
Jeff: "Who are you? "
LD: "I’m Larry David."
Jeff: "What do you enjoy doing?"
LD: "I enjoy wearing women’s panties."
2.
Hugh: "Fuck You."
LD: "Fuck Hugh."
Hugh: "Fuck Youuuu."
LD: "Fuck Hughhhh."
3.
Lewis’s ‘Honey’: “So you’re saying your penis is like
the Titanic?”
LD: “In a manner of speaking, yes. I think they’re comparable.”
4.
Susie: “OK Kreskin can read my mind. You think you know what goes on in the complexities of my brain and who I am.”
LD: (laughs) “The complexities of who you are. You’re a Jew from the Bronx.”
5.
LD: “What’s she like?”
Funk: “She’s dumb.”
Jeff: Laughs hysterically.
6.
Lewis: “You can take that Jiya mantra and shove it up your ass. You know what it means?’
LD: “No, what does it mean?”
Lewis: “Fuck me. Fuck me! Fuck you!”
LD: “Hmmm.”
7.
FEMALE DATE: “Did you know that spicy food makes
a man’s cum delicious?”
LD: “I did not know that. I did not know that”
(while sprinkling more hot sauce on his food)
8.
LD knocks on window at couple kissing outside:
“C’mon. I can’t look at that. Take it away.”
LD: “Hey, I’m trying to work.”
WOMAN: “What’s your problem?”
LD: “No one wants to see this- it’s very disturbing.”
MAN: “Two people aren’t allowed to be happy?”
LD: “Well, you’re allowed to be happy, but not in front
of me. So, let’s move it down.”
FUCK HUGH
BEST EXCHANGE
STEVE: The most important award is also the final award. This category goes straight to the heart of the show- an improv exchange between two or more characters. I'm not sure this list necessarily represents the single best exchanges, but it is one helluva' sample.
And so without anymore kibbitzing,
the #1 exchange is, "Fuck Hugh."
Although, one wonders if this was in fact a pre-meditated "Fuck Hugh." Surely, Larry named the character "Hugh" just to pay off with a rightful and funny fuck off, right?
Bring on Season 11!
CURB
2020
BIG BALD AWARDS
CURB
20th
100.20.10.
curated & created by Steve Matoren
